


Five Minutes to Midnight

by cookiesfly



Category: Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare, Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-29
Updated: 2014-10-08
Packaged: 2018-02-06 18:37:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1868163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cookiesfly/pseuds/cookiesfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma lay on her back, feet pulled up to her chest, head turned towards the movie, but she wasn't paying attention. Her mind was stuck doing what it was usually doing – thinking about him, about them. She couldn't pinpoint when she first realized she was in love with him, but she figured it was always there, kind of like the instinct to breathe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So lately I've been thinking a lot about Blackstairs – and in all honestly who in the fandom hasn't. This is the cultivation my brain being exhausted after one of my board exams and a few hours on a bus.
> 
> Also want to also say a huge thanks to emmacrrstairs for beta-ing and lovesyoufromtheground (both on tumblr) for helping me find songs to fit.

_The rules say our emotions don't comply_   
_But we'll defy the rules until we die_

_So lets be sinners to be saints_   
_And lets be winners by mistake_   
_The world may disapprove_   
_But my world is only you_   
_And if we're sinners then it feels like heaven to me_

She lay on her back, feet pulled up to her chest, head turned towards the movie, but she wasn't paying attention. Her mind was stuck doing what it was usually doing – thinking about  _him,_  about  _them._

"You're awfully quiet tonight." He said, poking her in the leg.

"Just have a lot on my mind, you know?" She replied emotionlessly.

"What's going on Em?" She could feel his green eyes on her, trying to see through her disguise, but she didn't dare look back, lest he would succeed.

What could she say? "Oh, I don't know, I lost my parents, I don't have a real family and I'm hopelessly in love with you. I want to touch you and be free to show how I feel but I can't."

She couldn't pinpoint when she first realized she was in love with him, but she figured it was always there, kind of like the instinct to breathe. Emma knew that she should be repressing these feelings, letting them go, but it was a moot point; trying to forget was as pointless as stating she didn't love penguins.

She just shook her head. "It's nothing."

She'd often wondered what it would have been like if Sebastian never attacked the Institute and if their parents hadn't been killed. Would they still have become  _parabatai_  or would they have become something more? The nostalgia for what could have been ate her up inside, but she knew not to focus on it, or at least tried not to.

"Oh by the Angel, are you in one of your moods?" Julian asked sarcastically. She could hear the teasing behind his words.

She just threw him a look, which in any other circumstance would have caused him to drop the subject, but not tonight. Tonight he moved towards her, resting his chin on her bare knees. Looking up at him, she saw his eyes full of concern.

She knew it was supposed to be a comforting gesture, but to her it was anything but.

"Seriously, Emma," he started, more seriously. His breath on her knees sent an involuntary shiver through her body. "What's going on?"

How she longed to tell him; how she wanted him to share in her anger of the Clave laws - not just for Helen, but for the both of them. How she longed to hear him say that he was suffering just as much as she was, that he too enjoyed their hugs more than was appropriate. But she couldn't. Though they were, joined to fight till the bitter end together, there was no need for him to suffer along with her. This was one battle she would have to face alone.

And how could she tell him that?

Trying to illicit a response, he placed a feather soft kiss on her right knee, but it didn't cause her to answer. Instead, the sudden action caused her knees to slip open, catching him off guard and causing him to fall through her legs and onto her belly.

A series of feelings she had never thought were possible flooded her due to the sight of him lying practically between her legs. Just a little bit higher and his soft lips would have been right next to hers, right where she had always wanted them to be. He made no sign of moving, just laid there as if he wasn't sure what to do with himself.

His head scorched into her, forcing a kind of heat that she had never experienced to spread from where his head made contact to the rest of her body; a heat that was more intense (and considerably more pleasurable) than the one she felt when under the Mortal Sword.

That however wasn't the only thing that was burning into her. His green eyes, which had never been darker, bore into her in a slightly familiar way. She was having a hard time maintaining eye contact; the longer she stared, the harder it was to not pull him to her – to pull him those few inches and capture his lips with hers, curl her hands in his brown hair and encircle his body with her legs…

And then it hit her. Hit her harder than being hit after not blocking a kick.

This is how he looked at her when he was painting her.

She had always thought that it was simply his 'concentration' face, but she had seen his face when he was playing chess with Ty. That was the look of concentration. This, this was a look she was all too familiar with and it had taken her being this close to him to realize it. This was the look you gave something unattainable, something you could only dream of having.

Had he...could he have felt the same about her?

Carefully and very slowly, she could feel the palms of his calloused hands, those hands that had held and comforted her for so long, trace up her ankles and shins, flow carefully over her knees until finally reaching their destination – the middle of her upper thighs.

Before she could even process the new explosion of emotion within her, he finally spoke. "You know," he started, licking his lips, his voice deeper than usual, "I quite like the view from down here."

She wasn't sure if she would have been able to tell you her birth date or her name or that she was Nephilim, but she was sure that he had meant what he said.

Suddenly, a loud knock came from the door, causing him to quickly untangle himself from her and sit at the other end of the couch. She felt a hollowness she hadn't thought was possible.

"Julian, are you in there?" A girl's voice, Dru's she figured, asked from outside the door.

"Yeah, Emma and I are in here, come in. " His voice was back to its normal tone, as if this newest addition to their long list of stolen moments that they would never discus again had no effect on him.

"What are you guys doing…OH! SPIDERMAN. I love that movie." Drusilla all but practically jumped onto the couch between them, making herself comfortable.

"Yeah, we were just getting to the good part." Jules started, shooting Emma a glance. "Where's the rest of our small Blackthorn army?" He asked.

She was still having a hard enough time catching her breath and he was already having a casual conversation with his sister. She just didn't get it. Maybe he  _was_  just teasing her before.

Dru threw Emma a concerned look but didn't say anything . Emma was glad; she didn't need to be explaining to her that she was at a loss for words and breath (and probably her sanity) because of what her brother had just said.

"They are in the training room. Uncle Arthur thought it would be a nice idea to have us have a sleepover, so everyone is down there. I thought I would see if you wanted to join."

Emma knew she had to at least try to get something out, a way to show him that she wasn't as flustered as she probably seemed. It was a struggle to get the words out but she finally managed. "That…that sounds like…a good fun…thing."

"Uh, are you alright, Emma?" Dru asked carefully, as if she was in front of a wild animal and was afraid of scaring it away. "You don't sound so good."

Julian stood up and answered. "She's fine; Emma is just having one of her...," he waved his hands around in a dramatic fashion, " moments. We'll be down in a few minutes."

"Awesome! Uncle Arthur has extra sleeping bags downstairs."

And with that they were alone again.

She was still having a hard time breathing and needed to clear her head. She started walking towards the door, waving at him from behind her head, "I'll see you there, Jules, I just need…"

"Emma..." he had managed to catch up with her, standing mere feet away from her but she didn't turn around. She couldn't be that close to him and look him straight in the eye, not without composing herself first. "About before, I...you know, I really regret it sometimes..." His voice was strained.

Just as she was about to ask what he meant, he continued, "Becoming your parabatai, I mean." And with that he walked out of his room, saying something about needing to get air and smoke.

For the second time that night he'd left her speechless. She didn't know whether she should have been hurt by his statement or feel relieved because she'd often had the same thought.

* * *

So here she was now, lying in his sleeping bag, feeling his body heat enveloping her. Though she was used to sleeping in the same bed as him, she couldn't fall asleep, not after what had happened today.

"Can't sleep?" His voice surprised her; she thought that he was sleeping.

"Yeah. Sorry if I woke you."

"You didn't wake me; I was having a hard time falling asleep myself." She felt him move slightly, turning to face her. "Listen, about before, what I said. I hope that you don't think that I don't like it. I mean I would never want to be anyone else's but yours, but sometimes... "

She'd never seen him have that much of a hard time getting his words out. It was cute. "

No, Jules. I get it. I regret it too sometimes. Well a lot of the time."

It seemed like he was about to say something but he let it go.

"Do you know why I paint you all the time?" He asked randomly, after some time.

"Because you can't find anyone else willing to sit still for an innumerable amount of time without moving?" She teased.

"Very funny," he responded with a slight chuckle. She watched as he carefully lifted his hand and moved to tuck the loose strand of hair that had fallen out of place and let his hand on her cheek. His movement was so deliberate she thought he had planned it out. "I do it because I want to show how beautiful my  _para._..my," He took a breath. "No...How beautiful you are."

Her breath caught. There was that feeling again, the one that she felt when he had trailed his hands along her legs.

He continued, his voice filled with pride. "I want to show how courageous you are, how strong and wild and even reckless you are. I want to show how much love you have in you, how much I lo...I keep painting you because I have a hard time being able to put all of those emotions into one painting. "

"Well," she began in a shaky voice, "I am a pretty complicated person." Did he just call her beautiful? Did he just almost say he loved her? Did he…

"Emma," he sounded like a wounded animal. "Emma, I'm not sure I can pretend anymore."

"Pre...pretend what?"

"That I don't love you."

And then her lips were on his.

There had been many times when she had thought about what it would feel like to kiss him: how soft and gentle his lips would be against hers, the way her hands wrap around his neck, the way he would wrap her up in his arms and hold her.

There was nothing in her short life that could have prepared her for actually feeling his lips pressing into hers; soft and yet full of such emotion she felt even Heaven itself could not have a word for it. She didn't think that puzzle pieces fit together as perfectly as their lips had.

She pulled away a few seconds after, feeling as if she had been underwater for the past 17 years and had just now resurfaced for air.

"Jules..."

"Emma..."

They both started at the same time, voices husky and eyes glossy.

She couldn't remember the last time she had smiled out of pure, unadulterated happiness. After all this time, he had said he loved her and had understood all the pain she had gone through. Emma assumed he knew she felt the same, but she needed to tell him, needed to hear herself say the words she had longed to say.

"Then don't pretend Julian, there is no need to. I love you too."

This time, their kiss was more urgent, desire mingling with emotion. His lips were heavy against hers and every so often she felt his tongue dart against her bottom lip as if teasing her (and enjoying it), but never once asking for permission to enter.

Eventually though they had to pull apart, not because they wanted to, but because they needed to, stupid lungs. She had never been so out of breath and yet so full of energy in her entire life.

"Can I do something?" His voice was so quiet and so shaky she could barely hear him.

"Of course, I'm yours." And she was. There wasn't a part of her that didn't belong to him. That wasn't there because of him.

He moved his hand down her face and neck, tracing down her arm and onto her thigh. His movements were slow, as if scared that she would move away. As his hand had reached her thigh, he slid slightly towards her backside and hitched her thigh on top of his, causing his thigh to rest between hers. Every part of her body was on fire as every inch of their bodies was touching, albeit their clothes.

In an effort to suppress a whimper from escaping her lips due to their proximity, she attacked his lips. He was no longer teasing her lips with his tongue; instead he kept it on her bottom lip, waiting for her to allow him to enter. She could not deny either of them the pleasure. The feel of his tongue gently massaging hers was explosive; she wasn't sure if the feeling was simply due to their actions or because of their bond. Maybe this was why they were forbidden from doing this, it was just too much pleasure.

The longer they kissed the more anxious she became, needing to find a way to expel the emotion. Seeing as he was the only thought on her mind, she did what came naturally and thrust her hips against his. Apparently he had the same thought because as she thrust forward, so did he. The contact caused a moan to escape his lips, one louder than it should have been.

Had someone not spoken she probably would have released an inhuman noise herself over the sound that had escaped his lips.

"What was that," someone asked softly.

They quickly untangled themselves from one another for fear of getting caught. "It was just me," Emma replied, breathless. "It was my usual nightmare, go back to bed."

"Oh, okay." Whoever it was, she was glad they had accepted that as an answer and didn't press onto the subject of why she was in Jules' sleeping bag.

Both of them remained silent for several minutes, trying to regain composure. As much as she wanted to attack his lips again, she knew it was risky, especially with what just happened. He understood and traced "C-L-O-S-E" onto her arm. She knew what he meant. That could have been very bad and she didn't even want to think about what would've happened had they been caught.

But why was this wrong? How could it have been wrong when there was nothing else that had ever felt more right?

"I wish things were different." He whispered, pulling her into a hug and nuzzling into her neck.

She nodded in agreement.

"What are we going to do, Emma?" His voice filled with pain.

"I don't know, but we'll figure something out, we always do." She replied, causing him to pull her even closer, as if he was trying to mend their two bodies together.

She really had no idea what they would do or how they would work around it. But one thing was for certain: she wouldn't be able to survive one day without feeling his lips on hers.


	2. Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for the long wait for this chapter, its been a very hectic few weeks (I've had board exams and such), but I finally managed to get some time to write!
> 
> This is the first time I've written something like this so hope you guys enjoy. Many thanks to Cate (emmacrrstairs on tumblr) for beta-ing.
> 
> Enjoy!

Emma wasn't sure what she dreamed of last night, but it made her feel hopeful. She wanted to stay in the peaceful world her mind had created, but then she felt something – no someone— stirring under her. Opening her eyes, she saw the boy who had been in her dream, but unlike in her dream, he was sleeping peacefully, albeit from the occasional snore. The sight of Julian under her caused all that had happened last night to come rushing at her along with a jolt of warmth that made her happy she chose to open her eyes.

She had seen his face many times; how could she not when she had spent the past 17 years looking at him? But she'd never had a chance to actually see him, especially while he was sleeping. There was no way of describing his expression other than peaceful. She tried to imagine a scene where he would always be peaceful and happy, where they both would be able share in that happiness. Perhaps their time would come soon.

Her eyes roamed his face. The crease that usually made home on his forehead was gone, replaced with what looked like the softest piece of skin she had ever seen. It had felt soft too...Emma didn't even realize that her fingers were trailing the places where her eyes had been exploring.

She froze in place, fearful that her moment would be broken by him waking up to her touch, but fortunately he made no sign of moving. She didn't know what came over her, but her fingers trailed down the bridge of his nose tracing down his cheek. His skin was smooth and yet rough at the same time. It was kind of like him – he had his tough side, there when someone was in danger, but he was also gentle and caring. She wondered if this mixture was what had made her fall in love with him.

Emma paused at his lips; they had been just as soft against her fingertips as on her lips last night and it took everything she had in her to not lean down and steal a kiss. Before she could continue her exploration hiis hand had captured hers, holding it by his lips, startling her. She thought she would be scolded for her actions, but instead she was pleasantly surprised.

"Good Morning, beautiful," he whispered, placing a gentle kiss on her fingertips and bringing her hand down to rest on his chest, where his heart would be.

She shivered at the contact. "Hi," she replied shyly, bringing her eyes up to meet his. His green eyes had never been brighter, filled with at she thought was hope. It was a nice contrast to the usual gloom that she saw him trying to hide every day. He did a good job of it too, but she was always able to look past the façade.

"You're awfully happy this morning, Jules."

A smile that was reflected in his eyes formed on his face. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be happy?" He said glancing down at their still joined hands.

There it was again, that uncontrollable feeling she had to lean in and taste his lips. Had this been a different world, she would've given into her desires, butthey couldn't, especially not when they were in the training room surrounded by his family. As soon as she moved away from him the smile left his face.

"Jules you know we can't, especially not here." Her voice full of longing.

"I know, Em," he said with a sad smile, gently brushing his fingers against her cheek, "doesn't mean I can't have a few moments of joy in the morning."

"Good morning everyone !" Uncle Arthur's voice reverberated throughout the small training room.

* * *

The rest of the day seemed to pass in a haze for Emma. To say that she had been off her game would have been an understatement. She was knocked down every time she was sparing, she had missed nearly all of her knife throws, and on top of that she now had three new bruises to take care of.

Her mind was in all the wrong places; instead of focusing on what was in front of her, she kept replaying what happened last night. How warm his body had been against hers, how their lips found a steady rhythm to dance to, and most importantly how she couldn't wait to do it again. That was what terrified and excited Emma the most.

She knew that Jules was attractive and she had often caught herself staring at him, but she had never experienced this type of desire towards him before. Sure, she had thought about kissing him, but she had never given much thought to anything else. What was the point of imagining scenarios in her head that would never happen? It would only make things worse.

But now that she had tasted him on her lips, it was a different story. She wanted to be locked away in a room with him and trace every inch of his body with her fingertips. Maybe she would even be able to illicit the same sound that had escaped his lips when their bodies crashed together last night. If she was honest that was what she had spent the better part of the morning thinking about. How could the mere memory of a sound cause her to basically unravel at the seams?

She knew she wasn't alone though, because he was just as lost as she was. It was embarrassing how much they were sucking, for lack of a better word. While she was off in a haze of thoughts, he could not get his eyes off of her face. She heard Arthur (she still hadn't gotten used to calling him Uncle) yelling at him to focus and the thought made her giddy for some reason.

At dinner, Arthur seemed to have had enough of their distracted nature.

"Listen you two," he started scornfully, still chewing his pot roast. "I don't know what has gotten into you, but you need to snap out of it. Do you not understand how important all this training is?"

"We do Arth...Uncle," Emma started. "It's just been kind of tough, especially since we've been doing the same things for days now. And the past several weeks haven't been the easiest, you know?" She finished, looking down at her half-eaten pile of mashed potatoes.

Not only had it been the anniversary of her parent's death but it had also been when their family was torn – when Mark was taken and Julian's parents Turned.

"I understand that, don't you think I grieved for my brother? We all lost something that day," he choked up at the mention of Andrew, but quickly recovered. "However, we can't live in the past, we have to move forward. Remember them yes, but don't let the memories stop you from doing your duties!"

How could she just throw all her feelings under a rug, especially when what had happened to her parents had been anything but normal? Just as she was about to reply, Jules stepped in. She was thankful he had because she wouldn't have been as kind in replying.

"You are right Uncle, we'll do our best to move on and refocus ourselves tomorrow. Right Emma?" Jules replied respectfully.

"Yea, sure. We'll be better tomorrow." She said flatly, getting up from the table. "Thanks for dinner, I'm going to bed. I'm tired."

All she got in response was a sigh from Jules, a huff from Arthur, and a round of "bye's" and "good night" from the rest of the kids.

* * *

 

She was sitting near the mirror in her room, brushing her hair when she heard a knock at the door. Without even asking who it was (because there really could only be one person it could've been), she told him to enter. Through the mirror she could see his reflection as he made his way into her room, locking the door behind him.

One minute he was closing the door and the next she was being brought up from her chair and being kissed with a passion and vigor she had never imagined. Try as she could, she could not match the speed with which his lips had been kissing her; he seemed to be rushing as if he might never get a chance to kiss her again. She felt his hands roam all around her body with a speed that made it seem like his hands were everywhere all at once.

They broke away mere seconds after, both trying to catch their breath.

"I've wanted to do that all day and not being able to touch you has been torturous," he said hungrily, leaning his forehead against hers, still breathing heavy. "I have no idea how or why I waited till last night to kiss you."

"I have no idea why you waited so long either." She whispered back with a smile. "You're shaking, you know?" She teased him.

"So are you," he retorted back, kissing her gently on her nose.

She had to giggle at his action. She wasn't sure she would ever get used to him acting so...boyfriend-y, if that's what he was. It wasn't a strong enough word to describe what he had been though, and she wasn't sure there ever would be.

At that moment though, the only word that she could think of was drug, because now that she had seen what his lips had to offer, she could not get enough. She dove in, capturing his lips.

She felt him start to pick up pace again, but she wasn't having it this time, capturing his lip between her teeth and biting lightly as if telling him to slow down. There would be plenty of time for heavy make out sessions, she was sure of it, but for some reason, she wanted to feel and remember every second of it. He seemed to understand because he slowed his movements.

Though their lips danced slowly, it did nothing to displace the electricity that was flowing through their bodies, causing her to get weak at the knees.

He seemed to feel her losing her balance and wrapped his arms around her waist. She wasn't sure if it was because of him or because of how long they had repressed their feelings for each other, but her body had reacted of its own accord – wrapping her legs around his torso, her hands around his neck, and began kissing him with the same way he had just a few minutes prior. She swore she could feel him smiling.

Each time their lips touched, it felt as if a coil was wrapping inside of her, with no way of being released.

She knew that they should stop before things went too far too soon, but what was the harm? The door was locked, they had said their goodnights, and they were as good as forgotten in the waiting all day (and for nearly 17 years) he was hers and she wasn't going to let any moment go to waste.

Emma wasn't sure what gave her the idea – it was probably a combination of memories from last night and the feel of something hard against her midsection – but she brought her hips to meet his. As soon as their bodies met, he pulled back from the kiss, gasping for air. She could see a new type of fire and emotion in his eyes. Before he had a chance to say anything, she moved back to his lips, using her tongue to trace the outline of his lips. He responded in earnest, opening his mouth to her, allowing their tongues to meet for the third time. Whatever he was thinking of when he pulled away was washed away by the mingling of their breaths.

The second time she moved her hips, he didn't move away, but instead pulled her against him. This time when their bodies met, she felt as if she was being dumped into cold water, causing a slight moan to be released from her throat.

She could feel that he was having a hard time holding on to her because she felt him moving backwards towards her bed. Julian must have misjudged the distance because he was soon falling backwards against the bed with Emma on top of him.

She enjoyed the new position as it allowed her to move her hips at a faster pace against him. Emma wasn't sure if the coil was continuing to wrap or if it was starting to unravel, but whatever was happening she didn't want it to stop.

He had other ideas. Breaking their kiss, he gently rolled them both over, so he was now on top. His voice was strained and husky, as if he had just been woken out of a deep sleep. "Emma..." It was a warning tone, she knew."Emma we shouldn't."

He might have tried to sound certain, but it didn't translate into his eyes. She knew he was enjoying this as much as she was, and wanted it to continue. He was simply being the responsible one as always. But she was tired of responsible.

"Blackthorn," she began, her voice commanding."Shut up, and move."

She could see his green eyes calculating again, considering exactly what she was asking of him. He laid there against her for so long, that she thought he would roll off, but instead he did as he was told. He developed a steady rhythm, moving his hips against hers, each thrust coming harder and stronger than the last. This time, when he said her name, it wasn't because of warning, but because of pleasure. He moved his lips towards her neck, gently sucking at the skin there.

The coil inside her seemed to be on fire now, and she moved her hips to meet each one of his thrusts. She moved her hands to his neck and moved his face to hers so she could capture his lips. Their kiss was no longer rushed but deep and slow and full of fire, full of life.

They had used words to describe their feelings, now it was time for their bodies to do the same.

You know when you are blowing up a balloon and you get it right at its limit, but you decide to put more air into it and the balloon breaks with such a force that makes you forget about everything for a moment? That was the only way Emma could think of describing the moment when the coil inside her finally unraveled.

Never in her life had she experienced such an intense pleasurable emotion spread throughout her entire body. It started at her midsection and spread both up and down at the same time throughout her. The reverberations hit her thighs, her knees, her toes, her arms, her eyes...her everything. It had spread so far in, that she felt it in her soul. The last time she felt an emotion that had reached into her soul was when her parents had died, but this was something else.

She felt him shudder against her a few seconds after, probably feeling the same reverberations through his body.

He didn't move away and she was glad. She loved the feel of his body covering hers, engulfing her in his essence. Years of Shadowhunter training hadn't prepared either of them for this type of exhaustion.

Emma wasn't sure how long they had laid there, trying to recuperate from what had just happened.

Eventually she felt him move away and she felt suddenly cold. He wasn't going anywhere too far though, because she saw him on his side, pulling her close to him in what she could only call a semi-hug.

"Emma, that was...you are...amazing," he had a hard time getting the words out as he was still catching his breath.

They had stayed like that for what seemed like hours, but in fact was a few moments. Eventually, she pulled away from her spot against his chest to look at him. If she wasn't smiling already, she would be at the sight of the boy in front of her. There was the peacefulness and happiness she had seen on his face earlier that morning. And to think, she was the reason behind it.

The only thing she could think of responding, for her brain was still suffering from a lack of oxygen, was "I love you."

"We have to find a way to deal with this during the day." He began, tracing up and down her arm in a most sensual of ways. "I'm all up for releasing whatever this is when we are here, but I'm not sure how I'll be able to go throughout the day without touching you. I was ready to explode today, Emma. I swear Uncle Arthur was going to have my head because I was so lost in the thought of kissing you that I didn't hear him talking. I could probably kiss you all day if I could."

"I know," she giggled. "I heard him yelling at you."

Though she was happiest she had ever been, she felt a small tear escape her eye.

He didn't make a motion to remove the tear though; instead he leaned in and kissed her gently. "Are you okay? Did I hurt you?"

"No, of course not; you did anything but hurt me, Jules," she began shyly. "I don't think I've felt this alive in a while. It's just that...why does nothing ever work the way it should Jules?"

"Because then it would be too easy, nothing that's right is ever easy." He was too smart for his own good.

What had Uncle Arthur told her earlier? She had to move on – to find a way to move on and not let what was happening distract her from the important thing.

"Okay," a new determination filled her voice, "a system, we'll develop a system."

He licked his lips in interest. "What do you have in mind, fearless leader?"

"Well, if we are doing something and I want to kiss you, I'll scratch my ear or something, and if I want to take your hand or hug you, I'll scratch my eyebrow. And you'll do the same."

"Sure, but I have a feeling everyone will be thinking that I'm infected with all the scratching I'm going to be doing." He teased.

She laughed silently, putting a hand in his hair and ruffling it. She loved this part of him, the part that could settle her worries with a simple sentence.

"We'll just have to be careful to not be overly careful, you know? If we start acting too remote, people will notice something is up."

He nodded. "So we act as we've been doing, but if it's something extra then we go with your crazy plan."

"Crazy?" she mocked being hurt. "It's not crazy, its genius."

"Suuure, you are my little crazy mastermind."

She knew he didn't doubt her, but still she felt a bit uncertain of the whole thing. Needing to reassure herself, she pulled away from his embrace to look at him fully. "We'll make this work, Jules. I promise."

"I know," his voice was full of the certainty she needed. "We have to make this work, there is no alternative. I want this, Emma, all of this. I said we're forever, and I meant it. Nothing, not even some stupid old law is going to stand in the way."

His words sent a chill through her, different from the one before. There was nothing else left to say, so she snuggled back into him, feeling his arms wrap around hers.

It didn't matter what lied ahead - what was going to happen in the morning when they would have to put on their charade again – because now, right now, everything was as it should be, and that was all that mattered. Whatever they would face, they would face together. Like he said, they were forever, and nothing would stand in the way of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you go. I felt like they probably had a lot of unresolved tension that they needed to resolve.
> 
> At this point, I'm not sure if I'll be continuing this. If some magical divine intervention strikes me, I might continue or write another one, but at this point I'm not sure.
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos. Stay awesome, my friends!


	3. Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,  
Some say in ice.  
From what I've tasted of desire  
I hold with those who favor fire.  
But if it had to perish twice,  
I think I know enough of hate  
To say that for destruction ice  
Is also great  
And would suffice.

It was weird, this new thing between them. It was as if nothing had changed – they still hugged and argued and slept in the same bed – and yet it was different. Every action had a new and deeper meaning. Every hug was a hold for something more permanent. Every argument was escalated to see who would break it off and kiss the other to quiet them down. Every night after dusk and every morning before dawn was a time to imagine they could make it work before continuing the tradition of pretending with everyone else. Yea it had been weird.

What was stranger was how much more attuned they were to the other. Before one could even say something out loud, the other responded, much to the confusion of everyone around them. It was as if they had been granted unadulterated access into the other's head and they weren't sure if it was healthy. The others had noticed the sudden change and while they were initially wary of it, they eventually grew curious.

"What's going on between the two of you?" Liv asked one night during dinner.

Emma almost choked on her sandwich. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know how to phrase it," Liv said, wrinkling her nose. "It just seems like you two are acting different. Not a bad different but like a few days ago, Jules started asking you about what you wanted to drink and before he even asked the question, you said Orange Juice."

"Oh, you know, he was right near the fridge, it made sense he would ask that." Emma tried to wave the question away, going back to her sandwich.

Liv continued as if not hearing Emma respond, "And then it's the way you guys look at each other, it's like you are hiding something, like you have a big secret and you are scared of everyone finding out."

Emma glanced at Julian and they didn't even need to have this new connection between them to know what was going through the other's mind.

Sighing, Jules did his best to try to cover. "Oh, alright. You caught us." Emma stared at him with eyes the size of plums, but then relaxed as he continued.

"We were not going to tell you to surprise you but I guess we can't hide anything from you guys. Everyone has been working so hard and we - well Emma and I, thought that it was time for a break, so we are going to go to the beach next Saturday."

"Really, that's it? That's your big secret?" Dru feigned sadness. "I was hoping it would be something cooler than that."

"Well if you say that then I guess we don't have to go..." Jules teased.

"No, no, she didn't mean it. We'd love to go." Tavy replied as fast as he could.

The chatter of what they wanted to do allowed her to breathe a sigh of relief. Emma knew that they dodged yet another bullet, but she couldn't help but feel the guilt eating her from the inside out.

Emma had experienced a lot of emotions in her past 17 years of living – happiness, jealousy, anger, excitement. But she had never experienced as much guilt as she was currently carrying around with her. It had started two weeks ago, ever since they decided to give their relationship a go. Behind closed doors, away from the prying eyes of everyone else, the transition was the smoothest thing in the world, but it was a totally different story when they were surrounded by his family.

They had tried Emma's ingenious plan of scratching body parts whenever they wanted to kiss or hold hands, but that proved as effective as trying to stop Julian from smoking. Well, it had worked for two days, but then they decided against it because they really were scratching nearly every five minutes and that definitely raised questions.

So instead they (and she wasn't sure whose idea it was) decided to do the most sensible thing – sneak around and hope no one would notice. At first it was simple hand holding under the table while they ate their meals, but then it had escalated (because how could it not). They had started running off into closets during training for quick make out sessions that always seemed to end too quickly and leave her hungry for more. But the more they had snuck around, the guiltier she became. The Blackthorns had taken her in, made her one of their own and now she was lying to them about her feelings and their relationship and she couldn't stand it.

But along with the guilt had been a stronger emotion fighting for control and that was her desire for him; while she felt bad about lying to them, she couldn't think of an alternative. Not when she remembered how he made her feel. How safe she felt in his arms, how she forgot about the terrible fate both their parents had suffered, how nothing in the world seemed to matter when his lips met hers.

This internal dialogue, well argument really, she'd been having was eating her up inside, creating doubts. She couldn't imagine going back to what they were, especially not after where they had been and said. But what other alternative was there?

"Do you think this will ever get easier?" She finally began as they lay intertwined in his bed that night– her head in his chest, his arms securely circled around her.

"Hmm?" He asked raising his head and gently kissing her nose. His simple gesture made her heart flutter and brought a smile to her face.

"I mean," she began, choosing her words carefully, knowing she couldn't let him know she was having doubts, "this constant desire and need that we have for each other. Do you think we'll be able to go a full day without sneaking off?"

He tried to hide his smile but failed. "Whatever do you mean, dear Emma?" He was teasing and she hated it; it was hard for her to get the words out.

"I just have this constant need to kiss you," she began, placing a quick kiss on his lips, "to touch you", she continued placing her hand against his cheek and trailed it across his jawline and neck until placing it on his chest, "to just constantly have you surround me."

He pulled back, looking at her with an expression she couldn't read.

"I just hate all this pretending and going behind everyone's backs and constantly lying about us, just because we can't control how we feel." She sat up, pulling her knees into her and hugging them. "It's killing me, Jules." As soon as she had said it she wished she didn't because of the expression on his face.

She knew it must have hurt him to hear it, because everything he did was for her, and hearing that their relationship – or whatever it was between them – had been causing her grief, must have ripped him up inside. She quickly responded, taking his hands in hers.

"I don't need to have this new connection or whatever it is between us to know what you are thinking and you have to stop." She told him in a commanding voice, causing him to look up at her. "I would never regret this or us because it is the most important thing in the world to me. It is as important as breathing, okay?"

He nodded in understanding, relief flowing across his face.

"And it is not that I want to stop, I just want to get it under control, be able to not feel guilty about this. I just feel like I owe everyone so much and the thought of lying for the rest of my life is just..." Her voice trailed off as she felt his thumbs trailing over her hands.

"I know what you mean. I feel like every time we go off we are turning into something that we aren't. And I don't know. It could just be that we've wanted this for so long and now that we finally have it we don't want to stop."

Why were there so many obstacles in their way? They'd been through so much, and it seemed like just as they were about to catch a break they were thrown back into a spiral of never ending grief.

He continued a few moments later, a bit more lightheartedly. "I mean we've seen how Jem and Tessa are and they hardly seem like they are undressing each other with their eyes all the time. Maybe it will just take time?"

She tried not to think deeper into what he said – tried to not imagine him naked. Tried being the opportune word. "Yeah, but I have seen people in love, remember how Helen and Aline would behave and how Helen would talk about it? It was nothing compared to how I feel...how I know you feel too."

"It has to do with this then," he said, touching the parabatai mark on his chest.

"Go on," she responded, becoming curious.

"Well, think about what's been happening. Right after we, you know," He started but stopped suddenly, clearing his throat before continuing.

"After that night two weeks ago, it seemed like I was so much more attuned to you. Like I could read what was going on in your head even more so than before. And then there was the fact of how much stronger I felt, how much more I could take and not be tired. But, as much as I enjoyed kicking your butt at sparing it felt weird to be able to predict your movements like that. Or has it just been me?" He had entangled his left hand with hers, using his other hand to trace random patterns on her arm. It seemed like despite their close proximity, he still had a need to touch her.

"I know what you mean. I felt like I had caffeine running through my veins for an entire week. And then there's ..." She started but stopped mid-thought. Was she really just going to admit that kissing him felt different too? Considering how he took her confession a few moments ago, she wasn't sure how receptive he would be to this.

"The kissing," he said with a smile. "I've felt it too Emma. It feels different too. It feels so intense I sometimes feel like I will burst into flames." She blushed at the thought. Every time they had kissed it turned into something so intense she felt like she would rip out of her body due to the force she felt.

"How can you be so sure that its that. I mean as you said before it…" Before she could finish her sentence he interrupted her.

"Because Emma," he started taking a deep breath of air. "When I usually...you know, it has never been as enjoyable or has empowered me as it did two weeks ago."

Now she was the one avoiding his eyes; just the thought of him pleasuring himself made her alive with a need to repeat their actions again, even though they said they wouldn't for fear of moving too quickly into uncharted territory. So instead she tried to deflect.

"So," she began, "are you suggesting that getting off powers us up?"

It took him a moment but then he started laughing so hard she thought it would wake up the entire house; she was sure there were tears in his eyes. His laughter was contagious though and she felt herself chuckle at her own joke.

After some time their laughter died down though, simply because it hurt to laugh so much.

"Seriously Emma, what are we going to do?" His tone more concerned now."You know I'm not happy with it either, but what other choice do we have? How can we continue this if it means hurting the ones we love?"

There it was, he had said what had been haunting her every waking moment. Their relationship was doomed to fail. There was no way for them to be happy if the people around them weren't. She thought about the feelings she had read about having a parabatai die, but what would it feel like breaking up with one? She shuddered at the thought.

"I...I... maybe we can ask someone? Maybe we can have someone help us figure this out. I mean maybe... " She questioned him.

"Ask who? Who could we ask who knows just about everything there is to know and who is not going to go call the Clave the minute we..."

They both stared at each other and then simultaneously knew they needed to see.

"Emma, Julian, welcome," Jem said as he let them into his and Tessa's apartment. They had asked to come over the next day, wanting to get to the bottom of whatever it was that was between them as soon as possible.

"Hi Jem," Emma entered, giving him a small hug. She wasn't sure what it was about him, but she felt like she had known him for as long as she'd lived; she felt like he was family.

"As wonderful as it is to see the two of you, to what do I owe this pleasure?" Jem said, sitting down on the sofa in the living room. The apartment had been modern on the outside, but on the inside it was like being transformed to the 1800s. Everything from the carpets to the fireplace to the curtains screamed Victorian London. She wondered if it had something to do with Tessa; but she could do no more than that since she didn't know much about them.

"I, we, have something to talk to you about and we were hoping," Emma began, throwing glances at Julian, who was sitting next to her, every few seconds, "that you would be able to help."

"Of course, whatever could it be?" Jem replied in earnest.

She sat there like a fish out of water. It should have been simple really – just tell him that the two of you have feelings for each other and are having a difficult time keeping it under control and are worried that it could be a big mistake and that there would be too much collateral damage. But she was having a hard time formulating a sentence and she wasn't sure if it was because of fear of him exposing them or because it would have been the first time she had said it aloud.

She was broken out of her reverie by the warmth of Julian's hand and his voice.

"We were wondering if you could tell us more about the parabatai bond," he began. "We know the basic story behind it, but maybe you would be able to shed some more light on it; on why certain things... are the way they are." He sounded so uncertain it was unusual.

A sudden look of realization hit Jem. Emma could see it in his eyes, causing a wave of fear to wash over her as Jem's eyes panned between her, Julian, and their joined hands.

Suddenly, she saw him stand up, smile, and walk over to the fireplace and picked up a small figurine of what looked like a violin.

"When someone plays an instrument everyone always compliments the player on the sound that they are able to create. But no one ever seems to compliment the maker of the instrument; the one who saw the individual pieces and was able to put them together to create something that, in the hands of the right person, can make heaven appear out of thin air."

He went back to his original spot on the couch, playing with the small violin in his hands.

"That is kind of how it is with parabatai. Individually, regardless how strong a Nephilim is, there is only so much they can take. But put them together – make them fight for one another – and you create something magical. You create a team that is brave and strong and courageous and who will not quit as easily as an individual; when you put the two of them together, you are able to create something beautiful. But that is also how love works, albeit a few differences, of course."

Before Emma could explain that that wasn't what they came to talk to him about, he continued talking, pointing to their joined hands. "I'm not surprised you came here. I knew it would happen eventually, knowing the two of you. And do not worry," he said calmly, "I shall not disclose our conversation to anyone. I've given enough of my life to the Clave and they have taken enough away from people who do not deserve it." He was still mad about Helen, she could tell.

She looked at her parabatai and saw the same look of relief on his face that she was sure was plastered on hers. They had made the right decision to come talk to him.

"And I think I know exactly what you are asking Julian. For you two, there was an inherent difference in why you became parabatai, was there not? It was formed out of a different necessity – a necessity for you to not be separated. For matters of speaking you were bound before you even carved the marks on each other. But now there is another bond between you two, and when you put that together, it creates something entirely different. Parabatai share everything, when one feels sadness so does the other and so forth. So when one experiences an intense emotion, and love is as intense as it comes, and when that emotion is shared between parabatai, well I'm sure you know first-hand what that feels like."

They both nodded.

"Its more than that though," Emma began. There was no reason for them to hide it from him since he had figured it out anyway and they had come here for answers. "It feels like we are more attuned with each other. It feels like I can, well was, able to see inside of him even more so than I originally could." And she could tell when he would enter the room or leave; she could tell that he was breathing even though he was halfway across the room. But that would have been admitting too much and despite comfortable she was with Jem, this was something different.

Julian continued her train of thought. "And everything is more heightened. It feels like I can go out and kill 50 demons in one night and not even be out of breath."

Jem looked at them with curiosity. "I must admit I do not have much knowledge what happens between romantic love between parabatai, as not many people would be upfront about it. I do, however have a great understanding of love and what you are describing is just that. It is a strange and wonderful thing, you must understand and given that you two share the parabatai bond, it is bound to make everything even more heightened than it originally would be."

"So you are saying that it could power us up?" Jules said, causing Emma to giggle a bit, despite the serious nature of the conversation.

"In a sense yes, I guess that it would." Jem replied. "But it could also prove to be dangerous."

"But is there a way to get it under control? I mean to not let it interfere with what we have to do. With what we've promised others." Emma stepped in asking what she really wanted to know.

"One can't control love, but one must address it with caution. The reason why it is not allowed between parabatai is not only because romantic love is fallible, but also because it creates a distraction. I will not tell you what to do, but I will caution you to think carefully about your actions. You must consider and weigh which is more important, what you need or what you want. I know first hand it is not an easy decision, but it is one that I behoove you to make prior to moving forward."

He ended what felt like a lecture and went to put the violin back on its small stand.

As they said their goodbyes, Emma had two realizations. First, she was glad that Jem had stumbled into their lives. It was remarkable how he was able to pick up on what they had been asking and looking for without even speaking the words directly.

Second, she knew they had to decide whether to refuse each other what they most wanted or continue forward and face their own internal battles. And she was scared of what they would choose.

The ride back to the Institute was filled with a pregnant silence. It should have been an easy decision, but the more she thought about it, the more she knew it would probably be the hardest one she ever made. She never thought that she would be in this position two weeks ago; sure she knew it would difficult because what in their lives had been easier. But not once had she thought that she would be caught up in a battle of what they wanted versus what they needed. And what made matters worse was that they both wanted and needed the same things.

"Emma,"

"Jules,"

They both began, as soon as they got back to the Institute. At another time they would have laughed it off, but something had come over them. There would be a time for laughter later, for right now they had a serious choice to make. They were at the threshold of their relationship and they both knew it: either it goes forward or it stops here.

They just stood there, on the steps of their home for what seemed like hours, neither saying a word, just staring at each other; the gears turning around in both their heads, contemplating. While it was true that she needed him by her side in all aspects of the word, she had made it 17 years with just his friendship. Would she be able to survive another 17 knowing what she would be giving up?

For a brief moment she imagined that she could let it all go - go back to how things were before: friendly and platonic, just how it should have been. As she stared into his green eyes, she saw the future he could have had if it weren't for the mess that they were in: eventually he would get a real girlfriend who he would not have to hide, go on romantic getaways, come complaining to Emma about an argument he was having with her, eventually go on to get married and have little brown-haired, green-eyed babies running around. All while she would watch from the sides, helping in anyway that she could so that he was happy. And it was still possible for him; all she would have to do...

"Emma, if you would think, " his voice was as soft as his touch against her cheek, "even for moment that I would...would go off with someone else, even if we never happened, you're wrong." His voice was softer than she'd ever heard it.

He continued, cupping her face in his hands so he could look at her and she knew she never could do what she was thinking of.

"Emma, there is no way for us to be completely happy." He was speaking so quietly she had a hard time hearing him, despite the mere inches separating them. "If we stop this, we will be miserable. I can't imagine seeing you everyday and not be able to touch you," he moved his left hand from his position on her cheek and moved it traced her jaw until it rested just below her chin, "I can't imagine seeing you everyday and not being able to kiss you," his hand slowly made its way to her lips, gently tracing them. She remembered last night when she had said the same things to him. "I can't imagine seeing you everyday and knowing that you would be made happy by someone who wasn't me."

She took a deep breath to steady herself. She was sure that her heart was going to explode from her chest. What was it with him and his grand speeches? Why was he making her fall in love with him even more, especially now that they were on the cusp of uncertainty.

"But if we continue this," she began, removing his hand from its hold on her cheek, "if we continue this we will hit roadblock after roadblock. We will have to live in secrecy for the rest of our lives. We will never be able to have a real family. We will always have to watch what we say for fear of being found out. We will never be able to tell the full truth ever again. Will we be able to live with that?"

He wasted no time in responding. "Emma, there is no way for us to be have a normal life, regardless of what we choose. We've been through too much." He said a little louder with a hint of a smile on his face."But what we can do is choose a path that will put us through the least amount of pain." He picked up her hand, which was now at her side and entwined it in his own. For a moment she fought to forget that they were outside the Institute and could be seen.

This time, when her green eyes met his brown something clicked - it was as if she had finally discovered something that was already there, she just needed his words to open it. She now saw a new future. "Our whole lives we've been fighting these battles, killing monsters to make sure everyone can sleep peacefully. Our parents died ensuring that we can have that future, so that we can continue to fight another day. What's the point of it all if we end up miserable?"

"Exactly, Em. And all the guilt that we feel, well I think its because we feel like we owe them something. While that's true we don't owe them everything. There are parts that we owe only to each other."

And then he hugged her. Hugged her as if this was the last hug she was ever going to get. Hugged her as if she was a glass of water and he had been wandering the desert for the past 100 years. He started again, whispering against her ear this time. His hot breath setting her skin on fire, a fire that she hadn't felt for two weeks.

"I try remembering the night after it all happened and how scared we all were. But then I remembered you. I remembered how strong you were and I figured that as long as I had you by my side I would be able to get through anything. When we said our oaths I never imagined I would want you by my side for more than just our battles, that I would want you by my side through everything." He leaned back and she could see tears forming in his eyes. "We've gotten through so much together and I can't think of going back the way things were. We belong together Emma, its evident in how we feel. Nothing that feels this right can dare to be so wrong."

How she wanted to lean in and kiss him, kiss him and just be engulfed in the very essence that was him. But she couldn't, not while they were outside and could be seen, even if it was dark, so instead she did the next best thing and leaned her forehead against his.

"You're right Jules, we shouldn't be guilty because we are always doing things for others and we rarely do anything for ourselves, so lets do this for us and not have any more regrets or guilt. We both want need this. I need you like peanut butter needs jelly...like well, a garbage can needs a lid."

He chuckled slightly. She wanted to make him make that sound for the rest of her life.

"Its just going to be hard, but we can and will get through it. And besides, who cares if the laws say I can't have you; when have I ever listened to them closely?" She couldn't resist anymore and leaned in and quickly placed a peck on his lips. Except it wasn't just a peck as his lips replied in earnest. The feeling of his lips on hers was eruptive.

She had to forcefully push herself against him, taking a few steps away from him to prevent it from progressing any further, despite how much she wanted it to.

"We umm, we should probably go inside, don't you think?" He said finally realizing where they were.

"Yeah, that might be a good idea. " she teased back, grabbing his hand and leading them both into the Institute.


	4. Road Not Taken

It had been quiet inside, everyone must have retired to their own rooms for the night. They probably missed dinner too, but she wasn't hungry for food. She was hungry for something entirely different. She knew it because she didn't feel it in her stomach; instead she felt it in her bones, in her heart, in her toes, in her lips…

Walking through the dark, quiet corridors of the Institute with Julian's hand entangled tightly with her own had made her yearn for more of his touch. It was getting so overwhelming it was hard for her to breathe.

She stopped in her tracks needing to find a way to feed her hunger. After a quick glance to make sure the corridors were empty, she kissed him. He was caught off guard and started to move away, but she wasn't ready to let go just let. Instead, she pulled him flush against her, hands moving to his neck, holding him to her. She loved the feeling of their bodies being so close together.

She felt him relax as he started kissing her back with just as much earnest, if not more. She felt the hunger dissipate for a few moments, thinking that it was over, the monster fed, but that was just because a more primal need took over - the need to breathe. Reluctantly she pulled back, but not removing her hands or body from their position on him.

When she looked at him, she was sure she was being set on fire and having a bucket full of ice dumped on her head all at the same time. She thought she was hungry for him a few moments ago, but that was nothing compared the absolute need she felt now. She wanted him everywhere; she wanted to know what he felt like inside her. And not simply in the sexual way. She wanted to have him enter her soul and never leave. She wanted them to have their own little world where nothing would get in the way of them being together, of being happy.

Before she could contemplate her next move, his lips were on hers again. They didn't stay there long as she felt him move his lips to her kiss across her jaw slowly, until reaching her ear. Feeling his tongue quickly flick against her earlobe had made her illicit a moan, which brought them back to reality.

Without missing a beat, he led her to her room and closed the door, holding her against it. Then he did what she never thought he would do in a situation like this - he began laughing. Laughing with such unadulterated joy and ease she couldn't help but join in, enjoying the small piece of heaven they were creating for themselves, acting like the hormonal teenagers that they were.

Then it all happened very fast. His lips were suddenly on her neck and all sounds of laughter dissipated, being replaced with heavy breathing. Her hands went into his hair, tugging at the brown locks there as he continued his assault on her neck.

She stiffened another moan as his lips and tongue made their way back to her ear, biting at the earlobe more forcefully than before. She exhaled loudly, moving her lips to capture his. While her lips were dancing with his, her hands had traveled down his neck and back and onto the bottom of his shirt, contemplating moving them under it. He seemed to understand and made the choice easy, taking off his shirt off and throwing it to the floor. She didn't have a chance to admire him as his lips dived back to her neck.

Despite their actions two weeks ago, this was on a different level. That was done out of a need to release tension. This was more intimate, being done out of a need to simply be together.

She was pretty sure she had scratched his back when she felt him sucking on her neck. Everytime she felt his tongue dart out to touch the sensitive spot she would feel a shock spread through her body, resting at her core. How she wanted him to leave a mark on her skin, something that would claim her as his, and only his. But it couldn't be there, not somewhere that visible.

Emma managed to break the hold his lips had on her skin, using everything she had, and placed her hands on his chest, causing him to have a sudden rush of breath. He must have felt the same fire coursing through his veins, the same spark being ignited whenever their skin touched. As she leaned in to whisper into his ear, she felt a hard object pressing against her center.

She was going to tell him something, there was a reason for her leaning into his ear, but for the life of her she couldn't remember what it was anymore. Not while he was standing against her, half naked with his desire for her being that evident. So she didn't bother with the thought, and instead brought her lips to his neck. She felt him place one hand by her face to steady himself.

She now understood why he had liked kissing her neck. It was not only soft and smooth, but it tasted and smelled like him. It was like kissing his lips but only better because of the sounds he was emitting due to her actions. Oh, that's right, that's what she wanted to tell him.

"Shh," she whispered through ragged breaths. "Don't make too much noise, we have to be quiet."

"Then stop turning me on."

His voice was as soft as velvet and yet as stern as the Inquisitor's. That had, in itself, turned her on even more. She wasn't going to argue with him, not now, especially not when his entire torso was hers to finally explore.

She kissed him hard, one last time, letting her body rock against his before she took his hand and let him to her bed. He laid down without another word, crossing his hands above his head, staring at her with a slightly amused expression.

Before she thought twice about how he looked at her, she moved to sit on top of his lap. His hands reflectively moved to rest on her hips. She fought back the urge to grind her hips against him.

Despite the near darkness of the room, she could tell his expression changed; he was staring at her with an intensity that was starting to make her bones melt. To escape, she leaned forward, kissing him again, moving her hands from his hair to his neck to his chest. As her hands explored, so did his, moving up and down her sides slowly, his touch adding fuel to the fire. She no longer could, nor did she want to, keep her hips under control; she allowed them to rock against him, sending waves of pleasure through them both. She was sure she heard him whimper her name at her actions.

Her lips soon left his and followed the trace of her hands, down his neck, across his collarbone and onto his chest. She was sure she was starting to feel him shake under her as she kissed the parabatai mark. Emma made sure to remember that for later.

Suddenly he sat up, almost bumping her forehead into his. "This seems a bit unfair," he told her, continuing to drive his hands up and down her sides.

"What?" she asked a little more forcefully than she ought to, but in her defense she was just torn away from what was turning into her new favorite activity.

"Well, look at our positions. I'm half naked and you still have all your clothes on. That's unjust by all the laws in the universe."

She felt a blush rushing to her face. "What are you going to do about it, Jules?" She teased him back.

A huge grin spread across his face as he grabbed her shirt and tugged up until it was over her head, leaving her sitting there in her bra. She knew it would be a cliche thing to cover herself so she fought against it. What was the point of being modest now?

His expression had softened as he stared at her.

"What are you looking at?" She asked. Turning her head to look behind her, expecting something to be there.

"You." He said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "You're beautiful, Emma Carstairs." His hand going up to cup her face. "So beautiful and you don't even know it." His voice was but a whisper now.

She thought she would feel shy about this whole thing, be scared and nervous. But now that she was there, now that she was feeling just how wonderful he could make her feel with just his eyes and words, all worry flew out the window. And she knew. Knew that, even if this didn't work out, if they couldn't make it work, that there would never be anyone else for her. He was it.

Her eyes traced up and down his body, "You aren't so bad yourself." She said as she leaned in and kissed him. It wasn't as forceful of a kiss, but it was just as passionate. Maybe more so because of the feel of his skin against hers.

He pushed her flush down against him, holding her in a hug, moving his hands up and down her back. "You're all I need." He whispered against her ear, breathing her in. "Nothing matters as long as I have you in my arms. I love you, Emma."

She couldn't help but let out a small laugh.

"What's so funny?" he questioned, feigning being hurt.

"Nothing, I just can't stop laughing at how cheesy you are becoming." She responded into his neck. Never in her wildest imagination would she have ever thought that they would be talking like this to each other.

She knew he would start to protest and moved her lips to his again, effectively shutting him up. Emma wanted to be wrapped up in his arms and continue talking to him, but her body needed something entirely different - and based on what she was still feeling, so was he.

She restarted her journey across his neck and collarbone, kissing her way down his chest. She loved hearing him inhale sharper and sharper as she kissed her way down his stomach, eventually reaching his belt.

He made no move to stop her from unbuckling it, but she saw a sudden look of nervousness on his face.

"Relax, Jules." She told him, giving him a quick peck and moving to unbutton his pants. That was all it took for him to turn putty at her hands and she loved every moment of it. She loved feeling him grow in her hand. She loved hearing him trying to control his breath as wave and wave of pleasure spread across his face. Most of all she loved hearing him call out her name.

After that, after he had rolled her under him, she had become putty in his hands. She couldn't have imagine being able to feel so awake and full of life. The way he had made her feel - the way they both felt - had to have meant something, it had to have meant that they were supposed to be doing this. It wasn't even about the pleasure of it. It was about feeling things click. Of feeling that everything would work itself out in time. Never again would she ever have a bit of doubt about them again.

There was a poem she had heard long ago. She tried to remember how it went.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-  
I took the one less traveled by,  
And that has made all the difference.

That seemed to describe them well. Others had chosen different paths, followed the laws for fear of consequences; instead they had both chosen the path that no one dared to take. But for them there could be no other option. You had a lot of choices in this life she realized, but only one life to make them. They had chosen the muddy path, but they had chosen it together. They would make it through, she knew, as long as they held onto that, just as she had held on to Cortana all those years ago.

**Author's Note:**

> Song is by Lauren Aquilina entitled Sinners.
> 
> I'm considering making this a multi-chapter story, depending on if I get any ideas to figure out what to do, but at this point, I am leaning towards continuing this. Hope you enjoy.


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